1. Always criticize the music played, especially if you are unfamiliar with the piece or pieces. Even if you like the choice of songs, be sure to complain about the tempo or volume of the music. The musicians must never erroneously believe that their efforts are anywhere near good enough. Always only praise the lesser-skilled musicians who just play [easy] hymns for all parts of all services; never compliment the trained musicians. (This "rule" is NOT intended to diminish the dedicated efforts of untrained musicians; some churches would have no music at all if it weren't for the efforts of untrained amateur musicians.) Perhaps if they are discouraged enough, the professional musicians will go away and stop complicating the pastor’s life and the church’s priorities with the things they believe are necessary to produce quality music. 

2. Never choose or attempt to learn unfamiliar songs or hymns. After all, music is only good if it is familiar. Totally ignore multiple Biblical admonitions to “sing a new song."

3. Have song leaders who cannot or do not know how to lead music. Don’t encourage these leaders to learn how to lead, and eliminate any type of music leader or leading that would make the congregation want to participate. I.e., Be sure the congregational songs are very slow, unrhythmic, poorly accompanied, unenthusiastic, poorly tuned, or lead by an individual who doesn’t know the songs or has an unpleasant voice.

4. Never communicate  with the music directors. Add  meetings to the schedule without notifying musicians. Choose  or change sermon themes five minutes before services begin so that having coordinating music that has been practiced ahead of time is impossible.                                                 

5. Schedule regular weekly meetings that conflict with practice times for music ensembles. The church won’t have to deal with trained musicians and their music groups if it becomes impossible for these groups to practice. The really obnoxious, picky, perfectionist musicians will go away if they aren't allowed enough church schedule time to produce high quality music.

6. Have so many outreach activities going on that none of the members have time to participate in any music ensemble of any kind. From the pulpit, be sure to lay a guilt trip on every member who does not go to every outreach meeting or other project that is going on at church. Finding new members far outweighs inspiring and helping to keep the members the church already has.

7. Be sure to tell the music director that there is no money in the church budget to tune the pianos or buy new music scores. Expect them to use out-of-tune instruments and break copyright laws by making photocopies for the choir, or re-use anthems the congregation has already heard, instead. (See Rule #2.) Then, make the musicians feel REALLY unimportant by spending several thousand dollars to replace slightly worn carpet or chairs.

8. Instead of trying to resolve problems for musicians that are trying to provide good live music for the church, start raising money to purchase Compact Disk accompaniments for all hymnals and songbooks. CDs and tapes are so much easier to accommodate (CDs only need shelf space and never talk back.) than live musicians, the quality is so much “higher”, and participation is never required. This would be sooo much less complicated than working with musicians—especially trained musicians who believe music has time and logistical requirements.

9. Do everything possible to eliminate workable places for ensembles to perform. Why would the group bother learning music if there is nowhere for them to present their music?

10. Keep the most knowledgeable, skilled musicians off all church schedule planning committees. Especially, be sure that the music committees consist of only amateur “musicians” who “love music” but have no idea what is necessary (PRACTICE, etc.) to produce high quality music. Surely, a choir can learn: an anthem in one rehearsal—30 minutes before it needs to be presented, or a hour-long cantata in two rehearsals.

11. Keep trained musicians off of all building committees so that you can totally ignore any need for rehearsal rooms, choir lofts, good acoustics, and good lighting—and honestly claim that you didn’t know these things were good to consider when renovating or building your church facilities.

12.  Pastors, (or other governing bodies),  totally ignore questions from musicians about musical logistics that are needed unless something happens that infringes on your control of the platform. At that point demand that everything be removed from the platform and placed where it is convenient for speakers but inconvenient or impossible for the musicians. After all, pastors and other governing committees are hired and/or expected to control the church, aren’t they?

13. Never acknowledge that there are churches and other organizations that pay  people a full-time living wage to practice, prepare and present high quality music. After all one “plays” music so it must be doing musicians a favor to provide them a venue in which to perform. And music is God’s “gift”, so it should be free.

Good luck in your quest to rid your church of that most annoying sub-species of human, the trained professional musician and those who participate in their groups.

If, however, you LIKE high quality music, group participation and all the benefits of having live music, a choir, and instrumental  ensembles, DO EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of these rules. Your worship service and church attendance will benefit and your spirits will be uplifted. 

Compiled by Judy Shultz, Marie Adams and Evelyn Pursley-Kopitzke.