1. Never attempt to communicate with the pastor or church. They will be able to find out whatever they need to know from the church bulletin or from choir members. Do not answer e-mails from your pastor or church secretary, and do not return phone messages. Let them wonder if their messages got through to you or waste his or her time trying to track you down.

2. Never try to find out a theme for any church service. If you tried to find out the theme then you might have to change the music you’ve had planned for three months. Let the pastor and other service presenters adjust to you. Never mind if your previously planned music appears to contradict the message of the day. It might even add some interest to the [otherwise boring] church service if the sermon and special music contradicted each other!

3. Be adamant about your time and place of practice; never allow a change for any reason. The family of that church member who died will understand that music always comes first, and you and your choir members won’t be available for their memorial service. And you NEED all the space in the fellowship hall; the outreach cooking school can get along without the tables and the adjoining kitchen for one night. After all, the planners should have checked the choir schedule before planning their time.

4. Choose music styles that you know the pastor and congregation don’t like or understand. Isn’t your mission in life to educate the pastor and the congregation in music styles they’ve never heard before and don’t yet comprehend? It isn’t your fault the pastor and the church have no musical taste.

5. Have your choir perform selections without adequate preparation. The pastor and the congregation don’t have a clue how much time it takes to do something well and they deserve the quality for which they allowed rehearsal time. Never mind finding simpler music or rehearsing further ahead to make sure the music is done well.

6. Never attend any board meetings, business meetings or planning meetings for programs and special services (Baptisms, Baby Dedications, Ordinations, Outreach and Evangelistic Meetings) that would—or could—involve music. Don’t ever go out of your way to ASK what events and projects are in the church’s the future plans. If the pastor or church secretary “forgets” to keep you in the information loop, ignore it; they deserve whatever you’re still able to give them if they neglect to include you in the church’s planning sessions.

7. Spend lots of money: order choir music, folders, choir robes, and arrange for piano tunings, without consulting the church budget committee. They agreed to have a choir, so they should bear the expenses of a first-class musical organization whether or not they have the money.

8. Always plan and ADVERTISE choir special events without the input of the pastor/pastoral team. Pastors and their cronies are totally clueless anyway and have never been known to have any good ideas of their own. Since the choir involves such a high percentage of the active church membership you’re guaranteed to “win” any scheduling “showdown” if you end up with a conflicting event.

9. When you speak with the pastor or church members, always bring up the grand and glorious things you accomplished at your previous church. However poor the quality your choir may achieve now, everyone needs to know what an incredible job you did when the facilities, resources, singers, and musicians were more adequate. It’s the pastor and the congregation’s responsibility to create a more adequate situation—including finding church members with better voices and more musical talent who will be delighted to be a part of your choir.

10. Encourage your choir members to be totally loyal to the choir, even at the expense of other responsibilities they have agreed to do. Their jobs, families, and other church obligations should all come last after their commitment to the choir. Let the non-musicians take all church jobs that don’t directly contribute to the success of the choir.

11. Take a long time, during the service, explaining the music to the congregation. (See rule # 4) Since you know the congregation won’t understand the music, it’s really important that you make the attempt to increase their perception. The pastor’s sermons could say the same message in half the time, so it’s up to you to encourage him or her to decrease the sermon time.

12. Publicly suggest that your pastor is ineffectual and that the congregation is uneducated. They won’t ever get any better if you don’t tell them they need to “grow”.  Your criticism is always constructive, isn’t it?

13. Complain frequently and constantly about EVERYTHING: the schedule, the budget, the rehearsal facilities, the lighting, the order of service, the sermons, the congregations’ attention span, anything else you can think about. Never say anything good about anyone or anything unless they’re choir members and part of the music team.

Compiled by Judy Shultz, Eurydice Osterman, Marie Adams, Evelyn Pursley-Kopitzke