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How to Annoy & Alienate Your Choir Singers
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New, June 2007
 
 How to Annoy and Alienate Your Choir Members
 
Here are a "Baker's Dozen" of ways to discourage and demoralize your choir. If you're tired of being the volunteer choir director and already know that your church doesn't have "minister of music salary" in their priorities or budget, here is a really easy way to get your accompanist and all your choir members to quit so you won't be blamed for being the one who's a quitter and dissolved the choir. But, if you're committed to providing the best as a service to God as well as your congregation, do the exact opposite; and God bless your efforts.

  1. Choose only one style of music, so as to please yourself only. Completely ignore the preferences of your singers, accompanist, congregation or pastoral staff.

 

  1. When planning a music program, either use totally simple music that has no substance or all horribly difficult music, which is impossible to learn in the time frame that you have. If the program is boring, you won't have to bother again, as you won't have choir members; and if the music is performed badly enough, you also won't have to bother doing a music program again, as no one will want to attend or perform!

 

  1. Turn your church choir into an audition-only group. Make it very clear that only those who have musical training are wanted in the choir. If few enough singers brave the audition process, then you won’t have to have a choir.

 

  1. If a few of your main singers will not be present on a particular weekend, cancel any performances that day. It is absolutely impossible for the "inferior" choir members to carry anything off.

 

  1. Always place the "important" members of a section in front so those weaker cannot hear them to follow them. One really good trick is to decide—just before a performance—to mix up the parts, so no one will have anyone that sings their part beside them, and they will have had no time to adjust to the new arrangement. It increases independence for singers, and it is character building!

 

  1. Throw new pieces at your accompanist without any warning or advance notice. This will really make them feel inadequate and might even increase the amount of sight-reading practice they do.

 

  1. Never inform anyone, especially choir members or accompanist, when you will be late for a practice or simply cannot make it at all. If they are really diligent, they will use the time for their own practice.

 

  1. Don't bother to warm up the choir before a performance. They should have done their own warm-ups before coming to concert call-time rehearsal. It takes too much extra time and you wouldn’t want to wear out someone’s voice before the performance.

 

  1. Be sure to make major changes in how a piece is to be performed just before you perform it-- either at the warm-up just before the performance or at the last practice. If someone is absent, too bad! They should be watching anyway!

 

  1. Never try to teach your choir members better ways to sing, pronounce words, project their voices, or breathe while singing. It is a total waste of your time. They will never implement it or even try it! They should be able to get all the information they need from your conducting, or from reading your mind.

 

  1. When your choir members don't sing like you want them to, yell at them! They are there to learn, like it or not!

 

  1. Never praise your choir or choir members. They might get bigheaded or vain.

 

  1. Be sure to share lots of wonderful stories about your very successful past choir director experiences so your current choir members will be in awe of you because you are so talented and wonderful.

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 Go to:
"How to Annoy & Alienate Your Choir" compiled by Judy Shultz, Marie Adams & Evelyn Pursley-Kopitzke
 "How to Alienate Your Pastor and Church" compiled by Judy Shultz, Eurydice Osterman, Marie Adams & Evelyn Pursley-Kopitzke.
"How to Kill a Choir" compiled by Judy Shultz, Marie Adams,
     & Evelyn Pursley-Kopitzke
 Ask Marie, Newest Page. 
 Ask Marie, Page One, through Mar., '05.
 Ask Marie, Page Two, through Aug., '05.
 Ask Marie, Page Three, through Sept., '05.
 Ask Marie, Page Four, through Nov., '05.
 Ask Marie, Page Five, through Dec. 8, '05.
 Ask Marie, Page Six, through Dec. 18, '05.
 Ask Marie, Page Seven, through Feb. '06.
 Ask Marie, Page Eight, through Apr. '06. 
 Ask Marie, Page Nine, Through Aug. '06.
 Ask Marie, Page ten, Through Jan. '07.

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