Hi Marie,

I refer you to my previous letter, dated 12/09/05 . . . from “Praying to Keep My Mouth Shut” . . . Your advice was to keep praying and it would work out. . . I’ve done that, and tried most of your other suggestions . . . It hasn’t worked; in fact it’s worse . . . I no longer feel I am a blessing to God or my other choir members . . . I think It’s time to bow out . . . If you have further suggestions, I’m open.

Thanks,

Still Not Good at Keeping My Mouth Shut

Dear Still,

Discouragement is often our biggest enemy, but occasionally, our emotions tell us the truth about reality. There are several things we can't control: Acts of God, Government and OTHER PEOPLE--especially church people who can confuse their own preferences and opinions with direct revelation from God.

What you need to do now is distance yourself and your emotions from the music situation in your [now, not-so-new] church. Then put yourself in the other people's places and answer these questions.

1. Do they see you as the music cavalry riding to the rescue?

2. Or are you—to them—the music quality police who's never satisfied with anything?

3. Are the "music" people (from your description, we can't correctly call them musicians) satisfied with their status quo?

4. Are you, in fact, making things worse by your continued participation?

If your answers are: 1. No. 2. Yes. 3. Yes. 4. Yes.; then for the church’s sake you SHOULD quietly bow out.

One more thing: before you actually leave, talk with the pastor of your church if you can do so in a non-judgmental way. Occasionally non-musicians will surprise us and understand our concerns. Tell him or her—preferably in confidence—exactly why you will no longer be participating in the music. The pastor probably won't be able to control the situation either, but will appreciate knowing the truth and there is always the chance that with non-musician influence, things could change.

I'll continue to pray for you,

Marie

More Dialog with Marie:

Hi Marie,

Thanks for your reply to my e-mail.  The answers to the above questions are:

1.  No, I'm not the music cavalry, but there are some in the choir that call on me to help them out if they can't get a part or solve a problem they're having.

Close enough. The cavalry can be either welcome or dreaded, depending on how you go about providing your help.

2.  I'm not the quality police, I only get really frustrated when something is done that truly makes no sense.

     (example:  our Choir Director decides to go on a volunteer goodwill mission with a friend of us 1 week before our Christmas Cantata without telling anyone but his wife and the minister and a young man (one of his "favorites" to lead the choir. This young man at the time hadn't been to Choir practice in 3 months.  Since I play for the church and am on staff, I felt I should have at least been notified that he was going. . Instead I find out on Sunday morning as I was setting up my music for the service.)

I've seen some inappropriate actions, but this one is pretty bad.

3.  The Choir Director and the minister seem to be satisfied with doing the status quo (same for 20 years)...

    There is no challenge...everything we do is from the "Ready To Sing" series...all have same meter, same keys,  one solo....same each cantata, and even our anthems are from the "Ready to Sing" series.  We have been known to do the same anthem within a 3 week period.

Your church members/pastor didn't NOTICE?

4.  The last question is one that I have asked myself many many times, because if I'm making things worse the answer would be clear to me.  The other altos say they need me in the choir....I sat out this last Sunday, and several choir members came to me and told me my presence was sorely missed.  So I'm not sure....I just know I'm having a real problem with this....I feel I'm not a blessing to God, the choir, the congregation, or even myself, because  music is my passion, and I take it seriously.  I feel like a Choir Director should share this same passion or at least, want to always be moving toward bringing the congregation closer to a worship experience.  That is not happening...it really  hurts me to feel the way I feel....I love to play and sing, and this is killing me.

 There comes a point where musicians have to concede that the rest of the world doesn't think the same way we do. It's an imperfect -- world, galaxy, universe. I would keep trying to demonstrate/showcase better quality (mentioned in the 2005 reply) if you decide to stick around. Otherwise you'll HAVE to write them off. Don't let it affect the rest of your life. (I know; easier said than done.)

Our pastor does not like to hear problematic things....he will listen but offers very little as far as comments.  He is a great minister, but does not know and understand how a good music program could enhance the worship of our church.  This is the first and only church he has pastored.  I have been in other churches, and still play in the orchestras and special events at other churches, and I see what a difference it makes.  Our church congregation, the Choir Director, and members mostly have been there for many years, and don't want to do a whole lot of different things.  They haven't been exposed - and I feel like if they were, they would really want to experience better from our music program.

Could you arrange to have one or more of these other groups invited  to  perform for one of your services once in a while? You could then mention--just to individuals and never in public (If you're seen as undermining the home team it will be counterproductive.)--the amount of rehearsal time, money, etc., they spent to get those results.

The next questions you need to answer deal with your own reaction to the music situation in your church.

5. Is your continued participation making you spiritually discouraged, angry with God and/or your fellow church members?

6. Is your family tired of your being in a situation that upsets you?

If these answers are both yes, then for your own well-being you should bow out. Remember, you must care for yourself before you can adequately care for anyone else.  I don't necessarily advocate changing churches just because of the music, but there are other organizations that will welcome a good musician. Civic choirs, orchestras and ensembles are wonderful outlets and because their expectations will be more professional, you will be far less frustrated with them.  

Thanks for listening,

Still Not Good at Keeping My Mouth Shut

You're welcome. Very few people get direct messages from God about what they should do about specific problems. It appears that the choices He gave us extend beyond Good and Evil to “How am I supposed to deal with THIS?”  Anyway, eventually, you'll work it out.

 I'll continue to pray for you. 

Marie